Cell Phone Etiquette (A Public Service Announcement)

Since so many people out there seem to be completely oblivious to the above, I’m going to give some tips on how NOT to use your cell phone.

First, understand that nobody wants to hear your personal stuff.  I don’t want to hear about the wart you just had lanced while I’m grocery shopping (that’s something I actually heard once).  I don’t care how messed up your crackhead cousin is.  If you have something personal to talk about, find a private spot.  Like oh… I don’t know… YOUR HOME!  I realize that you have every right to talk on your cell phone, but do you really want every body to know your personal business?  Do you realize that EVERYBODY can hear you?

Secondly, I know that some of you are not terribly coordinated, and it’s difficult for you to walk and talk at the same time, but could you at least move to a spot where you’re not blocking traffic?  If you’re going to stop in the middle of the aisle at Kmart, I am warning you now, I will run you over with my cart.  If I don’t have a cart with me at the time, I will grab the nearest item off the shelf and huck it at your head!

Those who lack coordination also need to put the phone down when you get to the register.  If you can’t walk and talk at the same time, how are you going to talk and count at the same time?  I fully admit, I’m not a very patient person when it comes to waiting, and you’re making me wait longer then I have to.  If you were to watch me, you’d notice my face turn a bright shade of red as the minutes tick by.

New York is a hands-free state.  You must have a headset to talk while driving.  Most people are not even talented enough to do that (especially people who talk with their hands).  You’re sporadic driving is putting everybody else on the road in danger.  Is your conversation really that important that you would do such a thing?  If it is, could you maybe pull over for a second?  That’s probably better than killing somebody due to your recklessness.

And to all the business people who answer their cell phone and then start talking LOUDER… nobody cares how important you think you are.  I’m not impressed by the numbers you so conveniently throw out for all to hear.  How ’bout you get in your fancy sports car and drive it into the ocean!

Just a few simple rules.  They really aren’t that hard to follow, and it would make the world a little more tolerable for everybody else.  If you could see past your own selfishness, common sense would kick in.  For most of you anyway.  I’m sorry to say that for some of you, there is no hope.

Here ends your public service announcement.