World Politics for Dummies

THE “TWO COW” EXPLANATION

~Author Unknown

A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT:
You have two cows.
You keep one and give one to your neighbor.

A SOCIALIST:
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

AN AMERICAN REPUBLICAN:
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none! So what?

AN AMERICAN DEMOCRAT:
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.

A COMMUNIST:
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

A FASCIST:
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the
underground and start a campaign of sabotage.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows.
The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows.
The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
They are mad. They die. Pass the shepherd’s pie, please.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.
You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.

A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You worship both of them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported on them.

AN ISRAELI CORPORATION:
There are these two Jewish cows, right?
They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?

AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
That one on the left is kinda cute…

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Cell Phone Etiquette (A Public Service Announcement)

Since so many people out there seem to be completely oblivious to the above, I’m going to give some tips on how NOT to use your cell phone.

First, understand that nobody wants to hear your personal stuff.  I don’t want to hear about the wart you just had lanced while I’m grocery shopping (that’s something I actually heard once).  I don’t care how messed up your crackhead cousin is.  If you have something personal to talk about, find a private spot.  Like oh… I don’t know… YOUR HOME!  I realize that you have every right to talk on your cell phone, but do you really want every body to know your personal business?  Do you realize that EVERYBODY can hear you?

Secondly, I know that some of you are not terribly coordinated, and it’s difficult for you to walk and talk at the same time, but could you at least move to a spot where you’re not blocking traffic?  If you’re going to stop in the middle of the aisle at Kmart, I am warning you now, I will run you over with my cart.  If I don’t have a cart with me at the time, I will grab the nearest item off the shelf and huck it at your head!

Those who lack coordination also need to put the phone down when you get to the register.  If you can’t walk and talk at the same time, how are you going to talk and count at the same time?  I fully admit, I’m not a very patient person when it comes to waiting, and you’re making me wait longer then I have to.  If you were to watch me, you’d notice my face turn a bright shade of red as the minutes tick by.

New York is a hands-free state.  You must have a headset to talk while driving.  Most people are not even talented enough to do that (especially people who talk with their hands).  You’re sporadic driving is putting everybody else on the road in danger.  Is your conversation really that important that you would do such a thing?  If it is, could you maybe pull over for a second?  That’s probably better than killing somebody due to your recklessness.

And to all the business people who answer their cell phone and then start talking LOUDER… nobody cares how important you think you are.  I’m not impressed by the numbers you so conveniently throw out for all to hear.  How ’bout you get in your fancy sports car and drive it into the ocean!

Just a few simple rules.  They really aren’t that hard to follow, and it would make the world a little more tolerable for everybody else.  If you could see past your own selfishness, common sense would kick in.  For most of you anyway.  I’m sorry to say that for some of you, there is no hope.

Here ends your public service announcement.